Topics for your next stand up comedian routine

I went to a comedy show with Q on Wednesday to see her friend Ron.

Ron is everything you think man named Ron Pentagon would be. He's like one of those cool Pokemon that you always see but can never catch.  And he's always walking around with an electric keyboard or bopping instrument. Actually, I think he might just be the cool grown up version of Gene Belcher from Bob's Burgers.

ANYWAY

So I've been in my feels for the past couple months about my shitty improv experiences. And watching those people perform made me feel like I was being forced to listen to shitty life advice from Billy Graham:

If comedy is valid, why is there so much boring in your routine?

It's the same topics OVER and OVER again:

I can't find a partner and/or my partner sucks

I'm on my period

I hate men

There was no eneeeeerrgyyyy.  As a stand up comedian, you are the pulse of the room.  You are the host.  This is my fucking party.  As a comedian you should serving value (aka your authenticity) to the room in a surprising way.  I don't want to sit here and tell you all these dumb ass rehearsed jokes.  Tell me about some weird, raw shit that happened to you.

What prize would make you want to lightly push a small child out the way to win a competition?

Because no one wants to go there, I bring to you a list of:

COURTNEY UP'S STAND UP COMEDY TOPICS THAT WILL KEEP YOUR AUDIENCE LISTENING

1. Talk about how you almost slapped a grandma at Jewel Osco because she took the last good stack of bananas. Don't lie to me.  If it wasn't bananas, then it was some other precious commodity during a winter storm or sporting event THAT YOU JUST NEEDED ONE OF.
2. The time you got you surprise got your period at an important event like a christening or something you have to wear a white color at, and you didn't have a tampon but then you met this magical angel named some old lady name like Esther or Rita who had one in her pocketbook from the last time she had her period in 1995.
   
3. The time you signed up your ex-boyfriend for 100 Christian e-newsletters (it's a once a decade thing I do) and then all of a sudden you start getting republican campaign text messages addressed to a woman named Karen.  My favorite text message I've ever gotten starts with, "WHERE'S YOUR COCAINE KAREN?!"
   
4. The one time Jesse, Toni, and I were playing Mario Party and Jesse was being overly competitive and winning, PER USUAL, and he was tied for 1st with the computer so they both had to roll the die again as a tiebreaker and Jesse rolled a 1 and then the computer rolled a 2.  That was so fulfilling watching Jesse lose, it was like watching your 7th grade bully getting detention for carving "courtney is a bitch" on the bathroom stall.
   
5. OR if you want to get all intellectual in this bitch, talk about shit people forget about since elementary school.  People love that "I learned that in 4th grade, but since forgot" shit. When I was in fourth grade, I wrote a book entitled "whales".  But the whales was tasteful microsoft wordart pasted on a piece of navy construction paper. ANYWAY, DID YOU KNOW that blue whales are the largest animal in the world that have ever existed*

*humans, like the one writing thiis article, are dumb and need evidence for shit, so there might have been an animal that was waaaaay bigger than a blue whale, like Godzilla, but since he's not dead yet, we don't have a body to prove it roswell really happened aliens are walking among us

OKAY now that the CIA and FBI are watching me again, I would like to say that if anyone uses any of these ideas, the FBI and CIA are watching now you too. I'M LOOKING AT YOU CHATGPT, REDDIT BOTS, TIKKYTOKKERS, OR ANY OTHER NEFARIOUS INTERNET PHENOMENA.