One of the main rules of writing formal, academic papers is to avoid using second person. Second person refers to the pronoun you. Formal papers should not address the reader directly. However, it can be difficult to write without second person because the word you is such a major part of our speech. Fortunately, there are ways to avoid second person without sacrificing the meaning of the text. Below are some suggestions for ways to avoid second person.
Why can't I address the reader directly, Southeast Missouri State University?
In today's modern world, we have individuals who direct manufactured people traffic for rich euro trash bars. So if those popped collared suited assholes tell me that I can't enter their dimly lit 60% occupied bar that's definitely a front for the Ukrainian mob, then I should be able to fight back. The blatant eye rolls I give the bouncer as I leave should give the message of "At least I don't have a job that's hellbent on being aggressive and manufacturing lines."
So if those assholes can manipulate lines, I should be able to manipulate my stories and direct messages to my readers.
Hey you, make good life choices. Also avenge me and my pocket potential.
It's very likely I will never get a response from you.
But what if one of my friends is reading?
Or what if you and I really jive...in the sheets. Of paper.
But we haven't gotten the chance to meet. Physically.
Enter into my literary time travel machine to STAR DATE: 2030.
Your eyes open. You smell sandalwood, generic female floral fragrance, and vodka. You suddenly realize you are at a posh New York rooftop party. A bunch of cool posh people are all around you like a stereotypical white women in a comedy written by a man in 1990. The lyrics, KNUCK IF YOU BUCK BOY are uttered. Majestically, I happen. We talk about our plans for pocket-con: a potentiality until midnight. Then you forgot you were Cinderella's horseman. Boom, you are a mouse now. And then I hold up at a "THE END" sign, there's not much more I can tell about that story.
Maybe it's because my writing style is that it's literally me sitting here talking to myself about things I'm passionate about and I don't give a shit if anyone is listening to me talking to myself. But I'm going to put my thoughts out there. And you can pluck whatever golden nuggets of information I'm going to give to you. Hopefully you laugh at least ten times but no more than 20. If you laugh 20 times I know you are ridiculing me.
Which if you are ridiculing me, hey at least you are getting something out of it. The punishment of never getting the time back that you spent reading this. Muahahahahaha.
I think of writing in the second person like talking during a terrible movie. Life is going to be a joke anyway, why the hell can I not add some color commentary that will make everyone else laugh or give people some good ass background wisdom about the whole mockery.
What if my babbling about what is unfolding before our very fucking eyes makes the scene like twelve times better? I'm a literary tour guide. I am feeding you a manufactured story line or plot. While I am spitting my manufactured beats I give little side notes that make the other beats way funnier or cooler. Did I just equate my literary perspective changing to a rhythm in a rap song?
Maybe it's more like a written director's commentary. Haha, man, nerds love that shit. They eat that director's cuts like it's an all your can eat breakfast with their mom*. And before you shit on me for making fun of nerds living with their moms, I don't just mean mom. I mean mom* as female figure either the girlfriend, wife, or actual mother that takes care of geriatric male baby.
Soooooo, society. Rules are made to be broken. I think we should tell the first person and third person bouncer to stop being so insecure, so we can go party with the second person bouncer in the club. You think he could start getting us in here for free though?
Love,
Courtney
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