cat indoctrination

I figured out the reason why I like cats again

I forgot

Kinda like when I forget the definitions of big words

like uhhhh

disingenuous

I knew what that word meant 2 schools ago

ANYWAY

I was browsing my instagram archives

I do it to remind myself

That my life doesn't suck

And I found this picture of a venn diagram

And it's two interlapping circles

And left circle says Being an Asshole

And the right circle says Being a soft cuddly fluff

And in the middle it's a cat

And after reviewing this gif image

My brain did that light bulb thing

Kinda like when you self diagnose yourself on webmd

I AM an asshole...

And I AM soft cuddly fluff....

AM I BECOMING A CAT?

Has my landlord's cat been indoctrinating me?

Is my personality being groomed by Kitkat?

why sad songs are stupid and I'm crowdsourcing an ending to my summer romance

welcome to level up with courtney up

the e-online dear diary edition

In today's top stories

I go fucking duped by some dude two weeks ago

I'm still fucking mad about it

It all started three weeks ago

I was dating this gentleman caller for two months

And I thought everything was going great

BUT

Like my faith in humanity...

He just...left

Yeah...

What pisses me off even more

is that this gentleman caller

Had the audacity to make me feel like

he was ignoring me because he was physically ailing

Like he had a cold

But assured me we would see each other again

Then my best friend Jesse was like

"guuuuuurl he unfollowed you on instagram".

Yeah, then he stopped responding to all of my text messages,

BUT the weirdest part is that

 he left clothes at my house

*insert courtney shaking her fist in anger*

Could you not be a coward

And just confront me

Like even the lame ol': ugh, work is soooo hard

Or meh, I think our timing is off

Or meow, I hate you

Seriously

People like this dude

Are the reason why Swifties exist

Because people like Taylor Swift have their social contracts broken

In various means like ghosting

And because society has conditioned people

COUGHCOUGHCOUGH men COUGHCOUGHCOUGH

To not talk about their feelings

So then you get your creative loudmouths

LIKE POP SINGERS

Hypothesizing about their ex living their lives without them

And then their sweet melodies radicalizes all of their fanbases

Look at all the Swifties after listening to Midnights

Last week she was encircled by Swifities attending a wedding reception

God think about how much we could get done

If their powers were used for good

We might have a whole working bi partisan Congress

*insert groan*

Man, I wish I could be more easily brainwashed

When I listen to sad songs

I can't even internalize them

Like I get it your boyfriend dumped you

But then you know he sucks so you move on to another one

Everything can be solved with

what I call

clear communicationnnnn

Plus back on sad song front

I can't take someone seriously who's going to sit here

and sing about the guy she met two weeks ago

And she's mad because he hasn't told her that he loves yet

Because I'm like bitch...y'all just met

You love the dinner you're eating more than you love him

This makes me want to throw away the fourth wall

Insert myself into your dinner, throw a red flag, and yell

ENCROACHMENT

Move back ten yards from the start of your relationship

Which gets me back to my first point

Even though that dude ghosted me

It doesn't matter

Because fuck him

I'm going to steal a page out of Taylor Swift's book

And use all my boy trauma to make comedy.

Because if Taylor Swift knows anything,

It's that airing out your relationship drama in public

is a great way to line your pockets with money.

THE END

(but seriously, fuck you carlos)

Write a children novel about rat named Jim who is addicted to cocaine but is bad at giving financial advise

 

Once upon a time, in a bustling city, there lived a rat named Jim. Jim was like any other rat, except he had a bad habit of snorting cocaine. He was always jittery and never quite had a handle on his finances.

Story By: ChatGPT

Input: Courtney Up

---

One day, Jim decided to take matters into his own hands and become a financial advisor. He knew he was bad with money, but he figured he could give others some advice that he never followed himself.

Jim started by setting up shop in a dark alleyway, offering financial advice to any animal that would listen. He had a few takers at first, but as time went on, it became clear that Jim's advice wasn't quite up to par.

He would tell clients to invest in cheese, even though the cheese market was plummeting. He would suggest putting all their savings into a risky stock, even though it was clearly a bad idea. His addiction to cocaine was clouding his judgment and making it impossible for him to make sound financial decisions.

Despite all this, Jim continued to offer his services, hoping to make a quick buck. His addiction was getting worse and worse, and he was spending all of his money on drugs. He knew he needed to change his ways, but he didn't know how.

One day, a wise old owl came to Jim's alleyway, seeking financial advice. Jim was surprised that someone so wise would come to him, but he welcomed the challenge.

The owl listened patiently as Jim rambled on about his latest investment ideas. But the owl saw right through Jim's facade. He could tell that Jim was addicted to cocaine and wasn't fit to be a financial advisor.

The owl gently suggested that Jim seek help for his addiction and get his life back on track. Jim was hesitant at first, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he needed to make a change.

Jim slowly weaned himself off cocaine and started to focus on getting his finances in order. He apologized to his former clients for his bad advice and promised to do better in the future.

Over time, Jim became a respected financial advisor in the animal kingdom. He still struggled with his addiction from time to time, but he knew that he was on the right path. And he knew that he had the wise old owl to thank for helping him get there.

The end.

Write a romantic comedy about guy named Ron and his last name is DeSantis and his love for a man named Tucker

Story By: ChatGPT

Inputs: Courtney Up

---

Ron DeSantis was an ambitious young man, determined to make his way in the world. He had always known he was attracted to men, but he had never acted on those feelings. That is, until he met Tucker.

Tucker was the new guy at work, and from the moment Ron saw him, he was smitten. Tucker was charming, witty, and kind, and Ron found himself falling for him more and more every day. But there was one problem - Tucker was straight.

Despite the odds against him, Ron couldn't help but pursue his feelings for Tucker. He invited him out for drinks after work, took him to his favorite restaurants, and even introduced him to his friends. But no matter what he did, Tucker remained oblivious to Ron's feelings.

One day, Ron decided to take a risk. He invited Tucker to a dinner party at his apartment, and he planned everything to perfection. He cooked Tucker's favorite meal, poured him a glass of his favorite wine, and even put on his favorite music. As they sat down to eat, Ron mustered up the courage to tell Tucker how he felt.

To his surprise, Tucker didn't react the way Ron thought he would. He smiled, took Ron's hand, and told him that he had always suspected that Ron had feelings for him. Tucker confessed that he had been struggling with his own sexuality for years, and that he had never felt the same way about a woman as he did about Ron.

And just like that, Ron and Tucker began a whirlwind romance. They went on adventures together, laughed together, and fell more deeply in love every day. And even though they faced challenges and judgment from others, they never lost sight of what was important - their love for each other.

In the end, Ron and Tucker proved that love knows no boundaries. They lived happily ever after, proving that sometimes, all it takes is a little courage to find your happily ever after.

Write me a story about a 2 month old baby who sells car insurance but has an addiction to breast milk

 Story by: ChatGPT

Inputs By: Courtney Up 

---

(this is so disturbing at the end by the way, chatgpt you fucked up, son)

Little Johnny was born with a gift, an innate ability to sell car insurance. At only two months old, he was already charming customers with his gurgles and coos, and closing deals with his innocent smile. His parents were proud of their baby's unusual talent and encouraged him to pursue his passion.

But Johnny had a secret. He had an addiction to breast milk, and he couldn't get enough of it. His parents tried to wean him off it, but he would cry and refuse to drink anything else. They tried formula, but it just wasn't the same.

One day, Johnny's parents took him to a car dealership to pitch their son's insurance services to the owner. Johnny was in the backseat, crying for his favorite drink. As they spoke, the owner noticed the commotion in the back and asked what was wrong. Johnny's parents explained the situation, hoping he would understand.

To their surprise, the owner offered to help. He was a new father himself and knew how challenging it could be to raise a baby. He offered to let Johnny drink from his wife's breast, saying that it was the least he could do. Johnny's parents were hesitant, but Johnny was overjoyed at the prospect.

From that day on, Johnny's addiction was satisfied, and he became an even better car insurance salesman. The owner of the dealership even gave him a job, paying him in breast milk for every sale he made. Johnny's reputation grew, and soon he became known as the "Breast Milk Baby Salesman."

But as Johnny grew older, his addiction waned, and he became more interested in the world around him. He began to explore new opportunities, finding new ways to use his natural charisma and charm. He may have started his career as the Breast Milk Baby Salesman, but he would go on to be so much more than that.

Write a story in the style of jj Abrams where there’s a lot of explosions and then Russians are trying to steal plutonium and the only thing that can relieve their hate is a chicken wing

 Story By: ChatGPT

Inputs By: Courtney Up

---

The night sky was lit up with a series of explosions, each one more powerful than the last. Cars were flying through the air, buildings were collapsing, and people were screaming in terror. It was chaos, pure and simple.

And in the midst of all this destruction, there was a team of Russian agents, making their way through the rubble towards a secret laboratory where they hoped to steal a supply of plutonium. They were well-trained and well-armed, and they had no intention of letting anything stand in their way.

Meanwhile, in a nearby bar, a group of friends were trying to drown their sorrows in a sea of booze and buffalo wings. They were all down on their luck, struggling to make ends meet, and the world seemed to be against them at every turn. But as they took bite after bite of spicy, greasy chicken, they started to feel a strange sense of relief.

It was almost like the chicken wings were the only thing that could relieve their hate, their anger, their frustration. And as they continued to eat, they started to feel a strange power building inside them. A power that they had never felt before.

Suddenly, the door of the bar burst open, and the Russian agents stormed in, guns blazing. The friends had no idea what was happening, but they knew they had to fight back. And so, with nothing but their fists and their chicken wings, they took on the agents with a fury that surprised even themselves.

The fight was brutal, with explosions and gunfire ringing out all around them. But the friends refused to back down. They chomped down on their wings and fought with everything they had.

And then, just when it seemed like all hope was lost, one of the friends picked up a particularly spicy wing and hurled it at the leader of the Russian agents. The wing hit him square in the face, and he let out a scream of agony.

To everyone's surprise, the other agents suddenly froze. They looked at each other, confused and disoriented. And then, without another word, they turned and fled, leaving the friends standing there, covered in sauce and triumph.

As the dust settled and the explosions died down, the friends looked around at the wreckage they had wrought. They had saved the day, but at what cost? And as they licked the last bits of sauce off their fingers, they couldn't help but wonder what other strange powers they might possess. The world was a strange and unpredictable place, after all. And as long as there were chicken wings in it, they were ready for anything.

Write me a story in the style of joss whedon and the main character is a girl who turns into a dragon when she’s mad but she has to finish her homework

Story By: ChatGPT

Zany Inputs By: Courtney Up

---

Once upon a time, in a world that's not so different from ours, there was a girl named Katie. Katie was just an ordinary high school student, with one small twist: when she got really mad, she turned into a dragon.

Now, this might sound like a pretty cool superpower, but in reality, it was a major inconvenience. Whenever Katie felt herself starting to get angry, she had to take deep breaths and count to ten to try to calm down before she turned into a scaly, fire-breathing monster. It was especially difficult when she had to deal with her annoying little brother, who always seemed to know just how to push her buttons.

But today was different. Today, Katie had a big project due in her history class, and she hadn't finished it yet. She'd been working on it all week, but she'd gotten stuck on one particular section, and no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't seem to get it right.

As she sat at her desk, staring at her textbook and her notes and her computer screen, she felt a familiar anger building inside her. Her fingers started to twitch, and she could feel the scales starting to prick out from under her skin. She took a deep breath and tried to focus on the task at hand.

But it was no use. The anger was too strong. Katie stood up, knocking her chair over behind her, and felt her bones start to crack and shift. Before she knew it, she was towering over her desk, wings spread wide, with flames pouring from her mouth.

She roared in frustration, and her little brother came running into the room, screaming in terror. But Katie barely noticed him. All she could think about was the project. She had to finish it, no matter what.

She picked up her textbook in one massive claw and flipped through the pages until she found the section she'd been struggling with. And then she started to read, her eyes glowing with a fierce intensity.

Hours passed. Katie's parents came home from work and found her still at her desk, surrounded by crumpled papers and empty soda cans. Her little brother had fallen asleep under the desk, exhausted from his terror.

But Katie was still reading. And finally, just as the sun started to rise, she let out a triumphant roar. She'd done it. She'd finished the project.

And then, just like that, she was back to normal. She collapsed onto her bed, exhausted, and fell asleep with a smile on her face. She'd saved the day, once again. And tomorrow, she'd go to school, just an ordinary high school student, with a very unusual secret.

Half Baked Ideas

HALF BAKED IDEAS - LIGHTING UP MY STRANGE THOUGHTS

CAT THOUGHTS

I wonder if the cat wouldn't like me if she knew I could read.  Wait hold up what if the cat could read?  Nah she's too stupid.  All I know is she's so cute and that her stuffed animal name would be Kitty Purrs Alot.  Or if she got sick of her cutesy image and wanted to be in an edgy metal hair band she could keep her name.  Her first single on her album could be "Scrunge This Way".

Do the network

I came up with this song and dance called "do the network".  The purpose of the dance is to get you amped up so that you can go talk to a shit ton of strangers that have to like you.  This works great at conferences.

All you do is say "do the network" and then punch your arm out.  If you are feeling feisty you can do arm punchie and kick too.  I get a lot of happiness from punching out, and it's embodying what you are doing.  You are seed bitch, you gotta branch out and grow.

He’s not a slut, the real slut is right here

Someone made these accusations toward my character. My response was "I’m not practicing right now"

Invitation is a puzzle

When I become a famous comedienne, I want to have a show but its like all greedy treasure seekers and I give them all these impossible puzzles to try to figure out.  And like the invitation to it is this weird crazy puzzle they gotta decode but then at the end of if they find themselves sitting across from me laughing in their face in a Downers Grove Wendy's.

Next time on this blog, I'm going to give you hints on how to WAKE UP

kirby death sound

 

This sound has been stuck in my head all day and I cannot get it out.

it's friday and I got stood up on my stand up

I'm sitting here on mute while I wait for this lady to not show up to this meeting she said she'd be late to.  Why bother saying you will show up late if you aren't going to show up at all.

Oh well, I'm doing some eggscelent job hunting right meow.

Do any of you just click into people's random linkedin profiles to see what a person showboats about themselves?

I keep on getting burned by working for these corporations with these fucking bro ass CEOs who only care about maintaining their yacht but not their fucking company.

So for my next job search, I'm going straight to the source and looking at the CEOs linkedin.  I feel like this works in my favor.

1. So many people look at a CEOs linkedin on one day.  They will never notice I'm there.  And if they do notice me senpai, then they know I'm not a little bitch.
2. People do not realize the power that a business analyst has.  My whole job is to fucking hear what the fucking client is telling me to make a computer system out of it.  I'm also paid to fucking hear what you are NOT saying as well.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT ONE OF THE CEOS JUST ADDED ME ON LINKEDIN.

OMG THIS WAS NOT AN OUTCOME I WAS EXPECTING.

I added his ass, let's see if he messages me.  Damnit, now I can't stalk his profile anymoreeeeeee.  

Speaking of profiles on LinkedIn, I feel like there's a litmus test that people must pass before I accept them.  I feel like any of these are red flags:

• Long amounts of time in sales with zero to none delivery experience
• Co-founders that are married or have some of blood relationship
• Board of Directors are are all old white rich bastards (before you yell at me, they currently have no parents because they are DEAD, so they are in fact rich OLD bastards)

Fuck I have to meet with my manager now.  TTYLBBQ.

thought list 6-27-22

1. As I get older, I realize that change doesn't get easier but it gets harder.
2. It's like running up a fucking hill when a car is chasing you
3. That happened to my dad once
4. He built a snow wall and some lady didn't see it
5. Then she was chasing them home
6. I have no idea how that man lived long enough in order for my existence to take place
7. The nice thing is that with what common sense he doesn't have
8. The intelligence meter is quite high for this dude
9. He's a freaking scientist
10. Can we say ultra nerd.
11. That bitch has the nerve to tell me that because I'm in IT that I'm a nerd
12. I wanna be like
13. Hey I have a hypothesis for you
14. If one spends more than 40 hours in a lab and makes jokes about proteins that aren't beef or chicken,
15. then one is a nerd
16. Do you like the bible verse format of this post
17. I like it so then when someone tells me that I'm a conspiracy theorist
18. They can tell me which line it is
19. But at least its not one of those manufactured lines
20. That was architected by some business
21. To profit of rich eurotrash and image driven people
22. That like to attend PRYSM nightclub on a Friday night
23. GEOMETRY
24. AVOGADRO's NUMBER
25. Shit that's misspelled chemistry
26. PYGOREAN THEORM
27. pythagorean <- that's pasted from google
28. who the hell can spell pythagorean from memory
29. that's worst that evilangelical 
30. i'm aborting this post