step by step

I was on a client call earlier today.

My project lead was leading the call

And I was like man,

 I wish I could be this confident about this shit

But the thing is

I can do this shit

So why I am telling myself I can't do this shit

If you don't know how to tackle a problem

You have to break it down into steps

Which I think is my problem with writing

I'm like ooooh I want to write a story

A story about parakeet and jaguar

And the jaguar is bad at math

His catculations are off

And the parakeet is either being a bitch

Or not

I haven't nailed down the tension

BUT

Everything is like a video game

You have to have goals to move you to different places.

So you go quest and shit.

And there's always all these stupid side quests

Like going to talk to some stupid guy all across town

So you can find the stupid ladle

And make the soup for the guy 

who's sick now

but will magically feel better as soon as he has the ladle

and then you win the magical comb to give to the goblin

ANYWAY

today I learned that I need to break things up in steps

Like in sequential order

Like in a business process diagram

With the swimlanes and lines and shapes

Yeah that one

And then that's how I can write my stories

NEW MOMENT

Also nintendo turns 135 today

did you know those motherfuckers started doing cards first

YEAH CARD

And in the 70s they failed at a bunch of shit

Like vaccum cleaners

And took a chance with video game consoles

and here we are today

so I need to be like nintendo

and try a bunch of random shit

and then maybe someday I'll be seen

as the crazy old lady I want to be seen

I want to be like Tress MacNeille's voice

But look cross of Genkai from Yu Yu Hakusho and Edward and Alphonse's fighting teacher

Like super bad ass bitch who's hot but a total troll

But a troll in a good way

ok I have a meeting in 5 minutes

until next time, meow

Topics for your next stand up comedian routine

I went to a comedy show with Q on Wednesday to see her friend Ron.

Ron is everything you think man named Ron Pentagon would be. He's like one of those cool Pokemon that you always see but can never catch.  And he's always walking around with an electric keyboard or bopping instrument. Actually, I think he might just be the cool grown up version of Gene Belcher from Bob's Burgers.

ANYWAY

So I've been in my feels for the past couple months about my shitty improv experiences. And watching those people perform made me feel like I was being forced to listen to shitty life advice from Billy Graham:

If comedy is valid, why is there so much boring in your routine?

It's the same topics OVER and OVER again:

I can't find a partner and/or my partner sucks

I'm on my period

I hate men

There was no eneeeeerrgyyyy.  As a stand up comedian, you are the pulse of the room.  You are the host.  This is my fucking party.  As a comedian you should serving value (aka your authenticity) to the room in a surprising way.  I don't want to sit here and tell you all these dumb ass rehearsed jokes.  Tell me about some weird, raw shit that happened to you.

What prize would make you want to lightly push a small child out the way to win a competition?

Because no one wants to go there, I bring to you a list of:

COURTNEY UP'S STAND UP COMEDY TOPICS THAT WILL KEEP YOUR AUDIENCE LISTENING

1. Talk about how you almost slapped a grandma at Jewel Osco because she took the last good stack of bananas. Don't lie to me.  If it wasn't bananas, then it was some other precious commodity during a winter storm or sporting event THAT YOU JUST NEEDED ONE OF.
2. The time you got you surprise got your period at an important event like a christening or something you have to wear a white color at, and you didn't have a tampon but then you met this magical angel named some old lady name like Esther or Rita who had one in her pocketbook from the last time she had her period in 1995.
   
3. The time you signed up your ex-boyfriend for 100 Christian e-newsletters (it's a once a decade thing I do) and then all of a sudden you start getting republican campaign text messages addressed to a woman named Karen.  My favorite text message I've ever gotten starts with, "WHERE'S YOUR COCAINE KAREN?!"
   
4. The one time Jesse, Toni, and I were playing Mario Party and Jesse was being overly competitive and winning, PER USUAL, and he was tied for 1st with the computer so they both had to roll the die again as a tiebreaker and Jesse rolled a 1 and then the computer rolled a 2.  That was so fulfilling watching Jesse lose, it was like watching your 7th grade bully getting detention for carving "courtney is a bitch" on the bathroom stall.
   
5. OR if you want to get all intellectual in this bitch, talk about shit people forget about since elementary school.  People love that "I learned that in 4th grade, but since forgot" shit. When I was in fourth grade, I wrote a book entitled "whales".  But the whales was tasteful microsoft wordart pasted on a piece of navy construction paper. ANYWAY, DID YOU KNOW that blue whales are the largest animal in the world that have ever existed*

*humans, like the one writing thiis article, are dumb and need evidence for shit, so there might have been an animal that was waaaaay bigger than a blue whale, like Godzilla, but since he's not dead yet, we don't have a body to prove it roswell really happened aliens are walking among us

OKAY now that the CIA and FBI are watching me again, I would like to say that if anyone uses any of these ideas, the FBI and CIA are watching now you too. I'M LOOKING AT YOU CHATGPT, REDDIT BOTS, TIKKYTOKKERS, OR ANY OTHER NEFARIOUS INTERNET PHENOMENA.

3 Phrases to Tell Yourself when You Have Bone-Crippling Anxiety

 Leggo my eggo

Who wants to eat an eggo waffle?  Not me. There’s so many better frozen waffle varieties nowadays. Like those Kodiak ones. Those are fucking delicious. They have pearled sugar and cinnamon waffles. Don't believe me, check your local grocery store.  So the next time your ego is selling you on some outdated bullshit, like “ooooh I'm stuck to this emotionally draining situation”, you reply back to your ego by saying “bitch, I'm done processing your cardboard square beliefs. I don’t believe you anymore because I moved on to bears.

Stop thinking about it

The most important part about this is ditty sung to the tune of the mario sliding down the pole at the end of a level in the super mario bros. So it’s stop thinking about itttt, stop thinking about it, stop thiiiiiinkiiiiiinggg about ittttttttt. Jazz hands.

Was that exchange so weird that you forgot why you were anxious?  THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT!

Leave this play, you have played enough 

This is half of a quote that I remember from this philosopher named Rumi.  Cool dude, modern dude living in the Middle Ages.  But his thinking transcends times, even thousands of years later DJ Khaled told us when we played ourselves. But the key to success is not watering the plants that are your anxiety; it's weeding those stupid feelings like "I'm not interesting" or "I'm not smart" or my favorite "I don't fit today's unrealistic beauty standards that change as much as the deciding CEO's numbers in his bank account.  Dumb bitch.  So be yourself to fuck over patriarchy.

ooooh i'm sorry, I'm sorry i'm a hottie

i have that tate mcrae song stuck in my head

ooooo I'm sorry, sorry that you love me

which thank you bitch for reminding meeeeee

but what I love more about this song

is all the ways I can sing it

ooooh I'm sorry, sorry you're a pookie

ok, fine, that only works for kitkat

but you know what miss america

ooooh I'm sorry, sorry you're a commie

uh oh, that might alert emperor samuel alito

who cares, i want to tell that bitch anyway

ooooh I'm sorry, sorry that you're a whiny

cat indoctrination

I figured out the reason why I like cats again

I forgot

Kinda like when I forget the definitions of big words

like uhhhh

disingenuous

I knew what that word meant 2 schools ago

ANYWAY

I was browsing my instagram archives

I do it to remind myself

That my life doesn't suck

And I found this picture of a venn diagram

And it's two interlapping circles

And left circle says Being an Asshole

And the right circle says Being a soft cuddly fluff

And in the middle it's a cat

And after reviewing this gif image

My brain did that light bulb thing

Kinda like when you self diagnose yourself on webmd

I AM an asshole...

And I AM soft cuddly fluff....

AM I BECOMING A CAT?

Has my landlord's cat been indoctrinating me?

Is my personality being groomed by Kitkat?

Write a romantic comedy about guy named Ron and his last name is DeSantis and his love for a man named Tucker

Story By: ChatGPT

Inputs: Courtney Up

---

Ron DeSantis was an ambitious young man, determined to make his way in the world. He had always known he was attracted to men, but he had never acted on those feelings. That is, until he met Tucker.

Tucker was the new guy at work, and from the moment Ron saw him, he was smitten. Tucker was charming, witty, and kind, and Ron found himself falling for him more and more every day. But there was one problem - Tucker was straight.

Despite the odds against him, Ron couldn't help but pursue his feelings for Tucker. He invited him out for drinks after work, took him to his favorite restaurants, and even introduced him to his friends. But no matter what he did, Tucker remained oblivious to Ron's feelings.

One day, Ron decided to take a risk. He invited Tucker to a dinner party at his apartment, and he planned everything to perfection. He cooked Tucker's favorite meal, poured him a glass of his favorite wine, and even put on his favorite music. As they sat down to eat, Ron mustered up the courage to tell Tucker how he felt.

To his surprise, Tucker didn't react the way Ron thought he would. He smiled, took Ron's hand, and told him that he had always suspected that Ron had feelings for him. Tucker confessed that he had been struggling with his own sexuality for years, and that he had never felt the same way about a woman as he did about Ron.

And just like that, Ron and Tucker began a whirlwind romance. They went on adventures together, laughed together, and fell more deeply in love every day. And even though they faced challenges and judgment from others, they never lost sight of what was important - their love for each other.

In the end, Ron and Tucker proved that love knows no boundaries. They lived happily ever after, proving that sometimes, all it takes is a little courage to find your happily ever after.

Write a story in the style of jj Abrams where there’s a lot of explosions and then Russians are trying to steal plutonium and the only thing that can relieve their hate is a chicken wing

 Story By: ChatGPT

Inputs By: Courtney Up

---

The night sky was lit up with a series of explosions, each one more powerful than the last. Cars were flying through the air, buildings were collapsing, and people were screaming in terror. It was chaos, pure and simple.

And in the midst of all this destruction, there was a team of Russian agents, making their way through the rubble towards a secret laboratory where they hoped to steal a supply of plutonium. They were well-trained and well-armed, and they had no intention of letting anything stand in their way.

Meanwhile, in a nearby bar, a group of friends were trying to drown their sorrows in a sea of booze and buffalo wings. They were all down on their luck, struggling to make ends meet, and the world seemed to be against them at every turn. But as they took bite after bite of spicy, greasy chicken, they started to feel a strange sense of relief.

It was almost like the chicken wings were the only thing that could relieve their hate, their anger, their frustration. And as they continued to eat, they started to feel a strange power building inside them. A power that they had never felt before.

Suddenly, the door of the bar burst open, and the Russian agents stormed in, guns blazing. The friends had no idea what was happening, but they knew they had to fight back. And so, with nothing but their fists and their chicken wings, they took on the agents with a fury that surprised even themselves.

The fight was brutal, with explosions and gunfire ringing out all around them. But the friends refused to back down. They chomped down on their wings and fought with everything they had.

And then, just when it seemed like all hope was lost, one of the friends picked up a particularly spicy wing and hurled it at the leader of the Russian agents. The wing hit him square in the face, and he let out a scream of agony.

To everyone's surprise, the other agents suddenly froze. They looked at each other, confused and disoriented. And then, without another word, they turned and fled, leaving the friends standing there, covered in sauce and triumph.

As the dust settled and the explosions died down, the friends looked around at the wreckage they had wrought. They had saved the day, but at what cost? And as they licked the last bits of sauce off their fingers, they couldn't help but wonder what other strange powers they might possess. The world was a strange and unpredictable place, after all. And as long as there were chicken wings in it, they were ready for anything.

Write me a story in the style of joss whedon and the main character is a girl who turns into a dragon when she’s mad but she has to finish her homework

Story By: ChatGPT

Zany Inputs By: Courtney Up

---

Once upon a time, in a world that's not so different from ours, there was a girl named Katie. Katie was just an ordinary high school student, with one small twist: when she got really mad, she turned into a dragon.

Now, this might sound like a pretty cool superpower, but in reality, it was a major inconvenience. Whenever Katie felt herself starting to get angry, she had to take deep breaths and count to ten to try to calm down before she turned into a scaly, fire-breathing monster. It was especially difficult when she had to deal with her annoying little brother, who always seemed to know just how to push her buttons.

But today was different. Today, Katie had a big project due in her history class, and she hadn't finished it yet. She'd been working on it all week, but she'd gotten stuck on one particular section, and no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't seem to get it right.

As she sat at her desk, staring at her textbook and her notes and her computer screen, she felt a familiar anger building inside her. Her fingers started to twitch, and she could feel the scales starting to prick out from under her skin. She took a deep breath and tried to focus on the task at hand.

But it was no use. The anger was too strong. Katie stood up, knocking her chair over behind her, and felt her bones start to crack and shift. Before she knew it, she was towering over her desk, wings spread wide, with flames pouring from her mouth.

She roared in frustration, and her little brother came running into the room, screaming in terror. But Katie barely noticed him. All she could think about was the project. She had to finish it, no matter what.

She picked up her textbook in one massive claw and flipped through the pages until she found the section she'd been struggling with. And then she started to read, her eyes glowing with a fierce intensity.

Hours passed. Katie's parents came home from work and found her still at her desk, surrounded by crumpled papers and empty soda cans. Her little brother had fallen asleep under the desk, exhausted from his terror.

But Katie was still reading. And finally, just as the sun started to rise, she let out a triumphant roar. She'd done it. She'd finished the project.

And then, just like that, she was back to normal. She collapsed onto her bed, exhausted, and fell asleep with a smile on her face. She'd saved the day, once again. And tomorrow, she'd go to school, just an ordinary high school student, with a very unusual secret.

Half Baked Ideas

HALF BAKED IDEAS - LIGHTING UP MY STRANGE THOUGHTS

CAT THOUGHTS

I wonder if the cat wouldn't like me if she knew I could read.  Wait hold up what if the cat could read?  Nah she's too stupid.  All I know is she's so cute and that her stuffed animal name would be Kitty Purrs Alot.  Or if she got sick of her cutesy image and wanted to be in an edgy metal hair band she could keep her name.  Her first single on her album could be "Scrunge This Way".

Do the network

I came up with this song and dance called "do the network".  The purpose of the dance is to get you amped up so that you can go talk to a shit ton of strangers that have to like you.  This works great at conferences.

All you do is say "do the network" and then punch your arm out.  If you are feeling feisty you can do arm punchie and kick too.  I get a lot of happiness from punching out, and it's embodying what you are doing.  You are seed bitch, you gotta branch out and grow.

He’s not a slut, the real slut is right here

Someone made these accusations toward my character. My response was "I’m not practicing right now"

Invitation is a puzzle

When I become a famous comedienne, I want to have a show but its like all greedy treasure seekers and I give them all these impossible puzzles to try to figure out.  And like the invitation to it is this weird crazy puzzle they gotta decode but then at the end of if they find themselves sitting across from me laughing in their face in a Downers Grove Wendy's.

Next time on this blog, I'm going to give you hints on how to WAKE UP

kirby death sound

 

This sound has been stuck in my head all day and I cannot get it out.

thought list 6-27-22

1. As I get older, I realize that change doesn't get easier but it gets harder.
2. It's like running up a fucking hill when a car is chasing you
3. That happened to my dad once
4. He built a snow wall and some lady didn't see it
5. Then she was chasing them home
6. I have no idea how that man lived long enough in order for my existence to take place
7. The nice thing is that with what common sense he doesn't have
8. The intelligence meter is quite high for this dude
9. He's a freaking scientist
10. Can we say ultra nerd.
11. That bitch has the nerve to tell me that because I'm in IT that I'm a nerd
12. I wanna be like
13. Hey I have a hypothesis for you
14. If one spends more than 40 hours in a lab and makes jokes about proteins that aren't beef or chicken,
15. then one is a nerd
16. Do you like the bible verse format of this post
17. I like it so then when someone tells me that I'm a conspiracy theorist
18. They can tell me which line it is
19. But at least its not one of those manufactured lines
20. That was architected by some business
21. To profit of rich eurotrash and image driven people
22. That like to attend PRYSM nightclub on a Friday night
23. GEOMETRY
24. AVOGADRO's NUMBER
25. Shit that's misspelled chemistry
26. PYGOREAN THEORM
27. pythagorean <- that's pasted from google
28. who the hell can spell pythagorean from memory
29. that's worst that evilangelical 
30. i'm aborting this post